Die Extrovert Die

I was born as an extrovert to a T.

The moment I came out of my mothers womb, I was making eye contact with all the nurses and doctors, until my eyes landed on my mom. Growing up being expressive, creative and yes, very emotional (thanks puberty); I have always been loud in some way or another.

In my early 20's, I became a wedding planner, utilizing not only my organizing skills, but also inadvertently my extroversion also got to flex its muscles. And I loved it! Especially when they let me play MC. I was unstoppable.

This type of fun personality can be attractive to some. And a target to others.

And as a target, I became a victim of an abusive domestic relationship. Through many other trails during this time, the beautiful side of my extrovertedness dwindled so far down; like a candle flame dying out. I lost this part of my natural God-given personality and I felt it slowly die within me. I also didn't know if I would ever have that part of me alive again, because all of my energy was going into making myself smaller. I felt I needed to be smaller, quieter and less important in order to survive my day to day interactions with my ex husband. My days were filled with more suppression and more shrinking in any and every way I could, slowing disappearing into the background. This instant reflex helps a trauma victim remain hidden as best to their abilities in order to reduce the amount of egg shells that we are trying to avoid stepping on. The less shells, the less noise, the more peace within. I was craving peace at every moment I could get.

Years of being in this new state of timidness and controlled isolation, I became a different person completely. This once bubbly and fun personality was exchanged for a more rigid one. Reserved. Scared. Still emotional, yet the screams inside of me were now wrapped up with duct tape and told to shut up on a consistent basis. Sadly, any sort of prodding at me in anyway, would unleash this instant anger because my emotions were not allowed to be regulated or processed properly. Making me into a very unsociable and unwanted introvert.

There is NOTHING wrong with introverts in anyway. However, when you are not born to be one and your identity was forced to becoming one- THAT'S when it becomes an issue.

Also, not every introvert is as extreme as I was. There are many factors to our personalities and I believe being an introvert is also VERY BEAUTIFUL in the way God designed it to be. I am only writing about my personal experience of being an introvert and my testimony is not at all same for everyone.

I didn't realize how bad I had become in this area of my life until I left my ex. Of course I was glad for the time to heal and process, This time alone was very good for me and very different then being alone with my ex. I needed this space to reconnect with God on this side of the relationship. I needed time to breathe, to re-assemble, and train my brain on how to re-think moving forward.

However, I realized when it came to large social settings, I was still very uncomfortable. I couldn't look or talk with the opposite sex no matter who they were. This created very deliberate choices in avoidance and so much awkwardness around them when it couldn't be avoided. I came across rude, unhinged and very weird (even more then usual). It was obvious I was uncomfortable being about males, it was just very unclear why to them if they were even paying attention. I believed every male out there was perverted and my paranoia made me believe that they were all out to get me in some way if they saw me.

I couldn't hide under my cloak of invisibility very well when walking or driving.... Although I did try.

Now again, there is a level of discernment (for a SANE person) to be aware of their surroundings and knowing that not every person in the world is honest and respectful. There is a respectful middle ground so to speak, which is the best place to be for every mental situation we go through. Where we are cautious of people around us, but not scared of them.

Was every guy out there trying to harm me? No.

Was every guy out seething sexual suppression with hidden demons like my ex was? No.

Is it possible that there are bad people out there, but stressing over every single one of them is overwhelming, time and energy consuming? Yes.

Is it possible to relax, still be on guard and live more normal life? Yes.

I had to learn how to lean into the truth that God also made men and not all of them have seen me on the internet (which was very hard for me to accept).

It was a slow process, but eventually, I was able to look up. I was able to be polite without feeling like I was inviting them in. I had to practice being social again. In normal, everyday circumstances. It was hard work, but it did pay off. Now, I don't have to even think about how I'm coming across or dread how someone else may choose to react to me.

Now I find myself purposefully getting out there, making new friends and being more and more like the woman God created me to be. The peace I was trying to gain on my own by hiding is now replaced by the peace that surpasses our understanding that's given to me through Jesus.

Honestly, sometimes it's still hard. There are times I still want to stay inside and not interact with people. The difference is that now I have a choice. Where as before my brain didn't allow me to at all.

God is such a faithful redeemer. God created me as an extrovert for His kingdom, the devil turned me into a coward of an introvert; then God healed that pain and re-assembled me into an extrovert. And what the enemy meant for evil, God turned into something beautiful. I now have a deep understanding and respect on how most introverts think and behave. I also have more empathy on the cause of suffering of an identity switch when it's forced upon someone.

God could of defiantly toned down my expressive extrovertedness on His own through His own life lesson plan. Yet, He allowed the enemy's hand to twist the circumstances instead.

Either way in the end, God covered me with His love, grace and comfort. And whether I am more extroverted today and more introverted tomorrow, the root of this personality trait now comes from God, which makes me alive either way.