To Cook or Not To Cook

I don't remember the last time I danced in the kitchen before last night.

Growing up only knowing how to make grilled cheese sandwiches- lets just say, being the next Gordon Ramsay wasn't in my future.

My dad was the main cook in our family as my mom worked a lot during the evenings. I had like what most kids had- spaghetti, pizza, drive-through hamburgers and the occasional grilled cheese. I grew up on simple foods, and so my palate was very simple and I never thought of food as anything really except: your hungry- what looks good- then eat it.

My first husband loved to cook (as that was his way to relax) So, he was the main cook in our relationship. I was with him for roughly 11.5 years all together after graduating- so anytime I offered to make my way in the kitchen- it was always like, opening up a can of something and heating it up, or let's go pick it up from a restaurant.

So, by the time I was living with my 2nd husband- his expectations of my culinary skills was met with way more disappointed then I think he ever imaged. Which in turn, made me also disappointed.

We never talked about what his requirements for me was; with anything really- and that included working with food. The second we moved in together, it felt like he was all, "Hey, what's for dinner?" And I'm over here like, "Let's order pizza."

Very quickly, we both realized how my time in the kitchen was stacked up with pretty much only microwave expertise. Needless to say I had to go from knowing nothing about cooking to becoming a master chef overnight. And I did not look forward to that in anyway.

I never had any interest in cooking, and I really hated that all of a sudden, there was no choice to.

Throughout the years of him throwing plates, yelling at how stupid my cooking was, and tossing food in the garbage, I learned that not only did I need to learn how to cook- I had to make it taste good too!

My days soon became filled with YouTube videos of learning cooking basics, and me failing miserably on my copying techniques. Constantly proving that my food was not good enough, tasty enough, colorful enough, not having enough variety, not having the right protein to carb ratio- ensuring that there was no leftovers, all while figuring out ways to buy all the different types of foods with a very limited budget. I got a new list of new demands every time he tried anything I made. And all of this was a foreign language to me and it was exhausting.

There was no direction, just random expectations that would come after the last meal was made. I had no passion in the kitchen and this added pressure became an even more stressful environment consumed by only confusion and disappointments. I had no clue on what I was doing or even how to make anything work properly. I tried everyday, for years to become better and better at something I never even wanted to do in the first place. Which was pretty much my entire marriage.

Cooking however, was the healthiest skill I had to learn more than anything else I did. I just didn't know it yet. If you haven't guessed by now from the title, this constant demand to make all the meals for everyone (4 people) every single day from someone who not only didn't enjoy cooking, now loathed it due to the instant force of having to do it and to do it all day, everyday.

Most people develop a love of anything with a slower introduction, or a more positive memorable experience. I didn't have this in anyway, shape or form. And sadly, cooking first went from not really being interested in it to I hate going into the kitchen with every fiber of my being. And due to this, my mind and body began to experience PTSD when it came to the culinary art.

After leaving my 2nd husband, I found myself almost paralyzed when it came to cooking anything. I was ordering out or buying ready to eat foods at the store. I couldn't ever imagine cooking again as anytime I looked at recipes, ingredients or cook times, my stomach turned and I felt sick.

About 7 months after leaving, I finally had the gumption to make my friends dinner without the gut-wrenching consequences. It was liberating and it felt good to make something, especially for someone else. I enjoyed making food for the very first time. I didn't begin to cook everyday like nothing had happened afterwards, but it was a start. I began to slowly ease my way into normal adulthood the way it should have been in the first place. I honestly had to relearn the skills I once learned because I needed a fresh take on it- one without the emotional turmoil over making something simple like eggs and rice.

It took much more time, effort and a curiosity of flavoring, whenI started to begin my admiration for cooking. I still wasn't a master chef in anyway, nor did I really love the joy of cooking; however, I started to appreciate why cooking matters, and the science behind it.

However, I still felt something was missing. My PTSD for cooking had finally broken (YAY!) Yet, there was still this lack of zeal, passion and desire that I felt should be there. Being three years now away from the jarring relationship, by now I thought I would love cooking more. But it wasn't there.

I wanted to enjoy cooking for the health reasons for myself and my kids, but somehow it was hard for me make sense of how much time it consumed.

Then I saw Solo Mio.

There's this beautiful scene where Kevin James' character is cooking and dancing in the kitchen. It's this intoxicating pivotal point in the movie where his character is embracing this moment and when I saw that- it took my breath away. Secretly praying for a desire and love for cooking like what I was seeing portrayed in this movie. This was the encounter I needed. I finally had my break through moment.

Now I find myself immensely enjoying cooking, dancing and being in the kitchen.

I'm now in a place where food is not an enemy in anyway and my PTSD systems finally have subsided where I can now cook with ease and without guilt when I decide to reach for the frozen pizza box because my period started. Cause let's be real.

Listen to this Episode:

If your interested in listening to my podcast episode on PTSD, you can search anywhere you listen to podcast for my channel called Life Reassembled and then search the episode titled: Do I have PTSD? If so, Now What? Or you can click here for the Spotify link.