Are You Changing the Color of the Red Flags in Your Relationship?

We see these red flags pop up throughout the relationship before it becomes too late, but we seriously don't see them as red- we change the colors by making excuses. We want so desperately to make the relationship work that we change them to green, but because it's not honest... they end up mixing together and become this muted, muddy brown.

The way he looked at pictures of someone else, the places we went out of town, pictures of me hidden in his trunk, the questions asked when a gift was left on his car, the lack of communication, the delayed arrivals, the quiet moments when there should of been some sort of reaction, walking on eggshells, gaslighting, the continued conversation of what him and his brother really did all day, confusion, insecurity, the lack of trust (on both sides), the list continues on.

Deep down inside I felt uneasy about being with him, yet there was so many times I wanted to be with him. And finding out that wanting to be with him as not really that- but more of that feeling I got when he looked at me. I wanted that hit over and over again, and just like a rat- I practically killed myself to get it as much of him looking at me as I could.

It's never bad at the beginning, it's always amazing and making you feel wonderful, beautiful and you're the only one- even when they tell you your not- there's this weird twist to convince you that maybe you could be one day, if you tried hard enough.

However, true personalities always rear their ugly head- even though they do their best to hide it. I was not at all in the right emotional state of mind while we were together to make any informative decisions. I want to plead insanity during this time, seriously. My brain was re-wired completely and I didn't even know what I was doing half the time. Being abused is formed in such a way that escaping is not possible, so your brain doesn't even see that as an option. That part of our brains is the first thing that gets demolished and damaged so that way the abuser can keep going, and get their fill.

How does this happen in the first place- because not everyone is abused. There are different personality traits that make people like me a target for people like them. I used to lie. I lied to myself, I lied to others and I thought I was good at it. Small things, white lies, just bits and bobs of whatever came to mind instead of taking the time to determine what the truth was. I wasn't trying to hurt people by lying of course, but I was selfish and a glutton for attention.

I owned all these masks that kept changing depending on who I was around, and thought I was the most amazing person that ever was. Attractive to a degree of course, because I was care-free and adventurous this way. But I didn't know how to deal with big problems because of it. I was a people pleasure by nature, making the lying that much more aggressive to always keep me in good standing with others. I avoided confrontation obviously, and took this out in other ways to get the attention back on me. Does anyone else relate to this?

So, when I was with my ex- he saw this version of me, and kept grooming me into trusting him more and more in order to reveal these masks. I became vulnerable to him, and in doing so- I ended up becoming his next target. Cheating on his ex with me (I had NO idea at that time) and turning me into his little puppet slowly. It's weird going back and looking at how my personality changed into a quiet mouse as we continued our relationship.

I wasn't a good person when he met me. I really needed space and time to be by myself, find out who I was in Christ, and develop attributes that would be attractive to anyone. I believe he knew this and took advantage of me. It doesn't surprise me that the same day my 1st husband and I decided to divorce that I saw the fb messages from my ex- the same exact day. I didn't have time to reflect on what kind of person I was or who I wanted to be. There's this aka dean contacting me and I need to know who he was. The curiosity of someone having a crush on me was the hit I didn't need but oh so stupidly took.

We all have regrets in life. He was mine. I hated myself more of who I became when I was with him, then just being on my own. Both personalities sucked. Both were not aligned with who God created me to be. It makes me realize, we have a million different options to choose who we want to be. But who I am now, this flawed sinful woman who struggles with so many things, is still the version of myself I choose to be. Always. I love myself for the first time in my life, because I am finally me! This is who I am. Even though I am a mess- I'm not a lost cause or useless. I am a sinner, saved by grace. And I will always run into my Father's arms again and again. I will never go back to that person I used to be. I will never go back to the people who supported those versions of me or who caused me to be that way ever again.

I am only looking forward to a closer relationship with who I am with today, Whose I am today. The best part- there's no flags on this side!

If you're not sure if you are in an abusive relationship, listen to my podcast episode on Spotify here. If you listen to podcasts anywhere else, search Life Reassembled and look for the episode titled: Are you in an abusive relationship?

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