Just Because Your Married it Doesn't Automatically Make it Consensual
The biggest issue is, we sometimes continue these behaviors without them even there, because their voice echos inside of our heads constantly without any breathing room. They set themselves in place so well inside our minds that they don't even need to be there in order for us to continue their dirty work.
Julie Renee
6/29/20264 min read
Those who have endured long suffering for those we loved, believed in or valued; we may have also experienced the effects of being coerced (or forced) into doing things, saying things and being things we didn't feel comfortable with. This can be done in various of ways and from various of people who have influenced our lives.
The biggest issue is, we sometimes continue these behaviors without them even there, because their voice echos inside of our heads constantly without any breathing room. They set themselves in place so well inside our minds that they don't even need to be there in order for us to continue their dirty work.
The struggle of flesh and blood against the spirit is rained heavily upon us during these seasons in our lives. We battle between grace, our moral dilemma as well as the suffocating traps that are set before us. The consistent mental overload of what to do with every single decision, you cannot even think clearly enough to make any decision; rendering you to an open range of more abusive labels, adding more salt to the open wounds.
I learned after leaving my abusive relationship that there were many things I never consented to, but went along with. And the reasons to go along varied depending on the current situation. It was all about the location, what recently just happened, who was there in that moment, his attitude and how he would react depending on my reaction. And this was a constant awareness. So there was no room to make a choice between chicken or fish for dinner- it was always about, "when was the last time he had either," or "how much does each one cost" and "how is he going to react if I make him one or the other?" These questions would plague the mind with every. single. task.
Sometimes the yes to him would be due to surviving that moment or protecting someone else. Sometimes the yes would be so I could get more sleep that night than the night before. Sometimes the yes would be because I didn't want to go through what would happen if I did say no. Oddly enough, the yes' were easier to handle because it was one less decision to make- not because it was the decision I wanted.
Anytime I could make one less decision or not have to come up with something creative, was a little bit more breathing room then the moment before. I realized I said yes to him for things I don't even know he was asking me at one point because it became my automatic response to him. I was committed to pleasing him and just writing that makes me cringe.
Merriam-Webster defines Coerced as:
1: to compel to an act or choice
2: to achieve by force or threat /coerce compliance /coerce obedience
3: to restrain or dominate by force
In reality, being coerced is the ultimate way to be dominated over. You end up having no options left except whatever punishment they decide to put upon you until you give in or left with the results from the punishment.
When you are coerced, there is:
No Real Choice: You comply only because you are being threatened, manipulated, or physically overpowered.
Removal of Autonomy: If you only agree because you are afraid of the consequences of saying "no," it is not true consent.
Ignored Boundaries: Someone persists in pressuring, tricking, or guilt-tripping you until you give in.
There's media taking of me smiling and giving in to things because of these demands. It reminds me of those poor women enslaved to the world of pornography- even though they all signed paperwork agreeing to it, you can tell they are lost, scared and wanting to run away. Their eyes are begging for help, asking to be rescued, not knowing how to escape their horrible and stolen lives.
Having a bike doesn't make me a bike rider, it just means there's a bike in my house. Unless I am willing to take it out for rides and dedicate some part of my life to make it apart of who I am, there is no use in calling myself a bike rider.
Same when it comes to marriage. Going to the world's worst place in the world to get married in a state I don't even live in, having no-one you know witness it and having a stranger say the bare minimum requirements... this makes me married?
How does that make everything we do together consensual?
It doesn't.
When you are in a consensual relationship with anyone, you experience:
Freedom of Choice: You fully want to do it and enthusiastically agree.
You Control the Terms: You set the boundaries and can pause or stop at any time with respect from all parties involved.
No Outside Pressure: Your "yes" isn’t motivated by fear, guilt, or being worn down.
Don't think that being married or even if you said yes before doesn't provide an out for you. You can say no. And no is a full sentence. No.
Everyone should understand the definition of no- No means no.
Check out Marriam-Webster's definition of the word no here: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/no
It was a very good but also a very long list that I think we all need to be reminded of at times.
I want all of us to enjoy being with the people we love and we of course want that feeling to be mutual. If it isn't, and if you or someone you know is dealing with an abusive or coercive situation, help is available. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for free, confidential support.
