Our First Love

Before we say I love you for the first time, before our eyes lock unto another, we have something within us that's much deeper; we just don't know it yet.

We are completely covered, drenched and smothered by love. Most of the time we cannot feel it, and many times we cannot see it. But it's there. Many of us search for love and we end up finding something else instead. We keep lowering our standards (if we have anything to start with) and eventually we settle. We settle on a tiny pinch of what we think is love that we may only obtain for a moment, a glance, a breath. An odd addiction we do not even recognize within ourselves because we may have received true love from one or both parents, we may have had great friendships throughout the years and felt loved by their trust and support. But deep down, we are not truly satisfied.

So we begin searching for this empty feeling through everything the world throws at us because it tells us that this will fulfill us. We then begin to decide ourselves saying, "I deserve this somehow, don't I?"

We may go around to different romantic relationships and give apart of ourselves we already gave up on years ago, so who cares at this point- and yet... that's all they wanted from us from the beginning anyways. They couldn't care less about our need or let alone their need for true love.

We are told growing up through media and possibly peers to constantly give until there's nothing left. Or perhaps we're in a situation where we're taught and practice the art of selfishness. We have all earned 1st place trophies in that category at one time in our life.

My friends, I have longed to be loved even though my dad loved me so I never thought for a second I was looking for something deeper from another man. I understand now more of what I needed, but back then- I didn't understand what I was doing and why I felt I needed to have a boyfriend so bad.

If you look at my track record of guys in my past life, you would see a line of some common not so good attributes.

• Not incredibly good looking

• Some sort of weight issue (either too thin or too heavy)

• Health issues of some sort

• Mental instability (not Christ followers)

• Some sort of an addiction (gaming, porn, music, themselves...)

So why did I choose these guys? I realized that they all have something in common that I really sought after. Their charm. They made me laugh and it hit my dopamine section in someway.

As a little girl I fell in love with the bad boy on tv and movies. The guys who were slick and clever. The ones who drew the girls in and I desperately wanted to be that one girl who stood out amongst the rest. And in a weird way, I started to develop an unrealistic fantasy of becoming that one girl who they would fall madly in love with and then stop chasing after anyone else.

As you may have guessed, this tactic did not work. And from the very beginning, I was used. The very next day after giving up my virginity to my high school boyfriend, he cheated on me. And it didn't stop there. I kept thinking it was the guys fault, and grant it- of course they made their own choices and made bad decisions. But I was never the only one in their eyes, heart or lives. Even with my most committed relationship, we had a rough go at the beginning for awhile.

It wasn't until recently I realized I have been loved all along, even with everything I have done in my past. I just needed to stop for a minute and look within to see how much I was loved by God. And that's all I ever needed or wanted. I just didn't know it at the time.

I have loved others to the best of my ability, weak at many times of course, but I still gave what I could on my own. Knowing now of course that without God, I am very limited on well- everything. And that's okay. We are suppose to acknowledge our need for Him.

We are able to love because He [God] first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Through the love I am now aware of, nothing else really matters. I am able to dive into this love deeply, securely and honestly. I do my ugly cry with Him, my vulnerability is exposed, and I feel completely protected and shielded by His love and grace.

I share this more because I want you to experience more of Him. There's always more- which is SO cool. Humans have limits, and we find out real fast were those are with each other- then we get bored, get upset and usually move on to someone else to make us just as miserable. There is no end with God. If you do not believe me- then try to prove me wrong ;-)